Hello, friend! Thank you for your patience. It's taken me a while to come up with my "E" for living a devoted life. This is a part of a creative experiment in which I contemplate how to live my word for 2025 "devotion", one alphabet at a time. I hope you enjoy this!
For several weeks – coinciding with the Pisces season – I have been all over the place.
My head floats in this pastel pink, translucent bubble through clouds of fogginess and confusion; while my body tries to anchor me deep into the ground with persistent fluid retention, which makes me feel like those giant water-filled safety barriers set up on the road in anticipation of a tropical storm. In my dreams, I watch people, places and events of the past, present and future converging into one timeline; and then when I am awake, I can barely put words to my thoughts and feelings.
No doubt my middle-age hormonal ebbs and flows play a role, but my intuition says there is something deeper to this.
Maybe my body is naturally reacting to what is happening around the world right now.
Many systems I used to believe to be the unshakable foundation of human society – government, finance, education, etc. – seem to be breaking and falling apart. Many people and communities are hurting and suffering with their basic needs unmet or denied. Witnessing manmade chaos from afar has brought upon sorrow and heaviness that I cannot shake off. What is not processed will stay in the body until it is finally understood and let out.
EDEMA – Holding onto hurt and sadness from the past. Overflowing emotion, that is being controlled and suppressed. Trying to hide from, rather than confronting, challenges. Anxiety, suppressed anger, procrastination, vulnerability, lack of confidence. Hesitation in moving forward. – The Secret Language of Your Body by Inna Segal
Interestingly though, in contrast to the escalating tension for collective change, I am not anticipating or dealing with any significant events in my personal world right now.
Everything seems calm, settled, and supported. Every day is as simple (and boring) as chopping wood and carrying water. Every time when I study and practice health coaching, I feel a sense of aliveness, purpose and fulfilment. Such peace and stability are unfamiliar and unusual for me as someone who was used to (and probably addicted to) fulfilling my obligations dutifully and trying to fix other people’s problems. However, I can’t help but notice a hint of emptiness stroking my lungs and heart like the morning mist.
One day, out of the blue, I recalled my first energy healing experience with a B.E.S.T (Bio-Energetic Synchronisation Technique) practitioner a year ago. Unlike traditional therapy or coaching, it did not start with me articulating the problems I want to resolve or outcomes I want to achieve. Instead, the practitioner tapped into my energy field to “ask” my body where it needed attention.
One of the things she did was clearing some interference associated with the vibration of “ELATION” in my lymphatic system.
Elate (v.) – originated in 1570s, literal, "to raise, elevate," probably from Latin elatus "uplifted, exalted," past participle of effere "carry out, bring forth" (see elation), or else a back-formation from elation. Figurative use, "to raise or swell the mind or spirit with satisfaction and pride," is from 1610s. – Online Etymology Dictionary
Elation (adj.) – a state of extreme happiness or excitement – Cambridge Dictionary
Looking at my 2025 diary thus far, I can see myself so devoted to my health habits and daily routines that unknowingly I have returned to some of the old patterns, trying to control and calculate every action and decision. From managing food choices to exercising for optimal blood glucose levels; taking different supplements to doing around-the-clock self-care for gut health; and studying hard to reading multiple books simultaneously for self-development. I want to make sure I am doing everything right and perfect. While I feel proud of all I have done, one thing also becomes obvious: I am starting to feel low and flat.
Since my father died in August 2023, I have not done anything fun or exciting. Pastimes like making pinch pots, sketching, watching period drama, or solo travel were unimportant and irrelevant. For 16 months, with grief as my companion, I focused solely on resetting and rebuilding life for my mother and myself. Even after everything is settled, I continue to keep my guard up, striving to protect what I have now for as long as I can. Because death has taught me that life can change anytime in an instant and nothing lasts forever.
Maybe the fluid retention is the body’s way of reminding me that having fun is essential for good health. That I do not need to achieve any goals or fulfil any obligations before I can allow myself to be happy. That cultivating joy and pleasure is both self-care and community-care during these chaotic, confusing and unpredictable times.
As artist Yumi Sakugawa articulates and illustrates so beautifully in her Instagram post:
“Joyfulness in these dark times is not a contradiction or a frivolity.
My little well-tended garden of joy keeps me grounded, resilient, and connected.
Joy keeps me fiercely protective of my most soft and tender parts.
Joy keeps me open to deep connections, and creates a deep knowing, on a somatic level, why we can still sing, share meals, laugh, love, and dream as our ancestors did during times of unbearable suffering with no end in sight.
Our joys do not have to be elaborate.
We can find deep joy in the peacefulness of a slow morning, the anticipation of shared meals with friends, pockets of comfortable solitude, a deep and restful sleep.
My joy keeps me attuned to my grief and vice versa – my grief keeps me deeply attuned to my joy.
And I can say the same for joy and rage as well.
My joy keeps me attuned to my rage and my rage keeps me deeply attuned to my joy.
I understand the connective tissue of joy / grief / rage and other feelings that bind us all together in this brief and fragile human existence.
Joy is not frivolous in these times. Let it fuel our determination to live, connect, resist, destroy, create, breathe.”
Under tonight’s Full Moon Lunar Eclipse, I am letting go of my attachment to perfectionism and releasing my need for control, over-preparation and self-censorship. I will continue to be intentional about my daily choices, particularly where and how I invest my energy, time, and effort. And I will always remember that happiness and excitement are nourishment that enable me to thrive and create and serve for however long I have on this earthly realm.
Rev-Elation!
What a treat this was to read today. Thanks!