Every year – for the past six years – I choose a word to guide and inspire my choices for the upcoming year.
I love this practice because it is simple, grounding, and versatile. Whenever I face uncertainty or dilemmas, I’d pause to consider if my options are aligned with the vision, values and feelings associated with that word. Like having a kind friend by my side who supports me to choose what’s right for me over what the world says.
When I contemplated my word of the year 2023, I was in the fifth or sixth months of my sabbatical and still wondering what to do next without much clarity. I had only three things scheduled in my planner: a freelance clinical education project, an 8-week healing program with a psychospiritual coach, and the 10-month Mastery of Business and Empathy program. Something familiar, something different, and something exciting.
Eventually, I landed on the word connect, with the intention to:
connect with my body, mind, and soul and return to my healthy and intuitive self.
connect with new people and expand my circle of friendship.
connect with mindful communities and work together to be of service for the common good.
This one humble word has manifested in ways that are beyond imagination, as the year 2023 turns out to be the most intense, testing and healing year in my life so far.
As the year is coming to a close, I want to write an end of year reflection on what I’ve learned, let go and gained, and yet I am at a lost, unsure where to start.
Ever since my father’s passing, I have been struggling to put thoughts into words.
I would spend hours typing sentences after sentences and only find many random, disjointed, meaningless words being mushed together. I would spend more hours to rearrange and rewrite those sentences, desperately trying to form something clear and coherent enough to post on Substack. I would try to rest, walk, snack, read, talk to friends, and even ask ChatGPT, to help me untangle my thoughts and words.
Nothing works. Everything remains jumbled, muddled and confusing.
Not only I am unable to write much on Substack, but I also have difficulty absorbing, digesting, metabolising and synthesising information at work. Everything, from writing an email to creating a presentation, is taking me double or even triple amount of time to complete. As if the neural connections between my head and my hands had been severed, like many fallen trees blocking all the roads after a summer thunderstorm.
I remember describing to someone that my brain feels like a cloud. Like you can see it, knowing that it is real – and then you try to touch it, there is nothing to grasp and everything freefalls through it. Like, it is here, and it is also not here. Like, is my mind real, or is it merely an illusion?
Sometimes I fall into the rabbit hole with my ego, worrying that I will not be able think and write with ease again, that I would lose my sharp mind and core strengths, and that I could be stuck with my grief brain forever.
“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” ~ C. S. Lewis
A few days ago, I listened to a podcast and was so struck by a quote, “Life is happening through you, for you, from you, and as you”, that many epiphanies emerged:
…what if everything that happened is exactly what I need to heal and return to my true self?
…what if my current struggles are the cue to try something different?
…what if I must let go of the safe and familiar to be able to unlock new possibilities and opportunities?
…what if things are not falling apart and instead re-grouping, re-aligning and renewing?
…what if I start to believe that things always go right (and not wrong) for me?
…what if I try to listen and respond to life more from the heart and gut (and less from the head)?
…what if life is merely one big, continuous experiment between birth and death with no specific outcomes?
In the pursuit of a more connected life, I have come to realise and appreciate the complex, intricate and perfect karmic interconnectedness of all things on this earthly realm and beyond.
Connection is always here. We are inherently connected. There is no need to seek or chase it. All we need is to allow space for silence, slowness and mindfulness, as Sharon Salzberg says, “The heartbeat of connection is discernible when we learn to get a little quieter to hear it.”
Connection takes commitment. Like mastering any skill, connection requires us to make time and effort, give full attention, listen deeply, ask good questions, and maintain the practice regularly.
Connection takes courage as it would emerge only through our mutual willingness to be authentic, compassionate and vulnerable. Magical moments happen when we are able to sit with and embrace, not only the happy, pretty glitters, but also the dark, messy and hard shit – both within ourselves and with one another.
Connection, when it is real and genuine, transmits the feeling of groundedness, calmness and joy that can be felt throughout the body, especially in the heart and the gut.
Connection is the mirror that reflect one’s innate beauty and goodness back to each other – to know that we are equal, worthy and lovable. As my favourite poet Mary Oliver put it beautifully, “…there exist a thousand unbreakable links between each of us and everything else, and that our dignity and our chances are one. The farthest star and the mud at our feet are a family; and there is no decency or sense in honouring one thing, or a few things, and then closing the list. The pine tree, the leopard, the Platte River, and ourselves - we are at risk together, or we are on our way to a sustainable world together. We are each other's destiny.”
Connection is the key to a good life and a good society.
To friends, teachers, and healers whom I have connected with this year,
THANK YOU for:
…sharing your stories and wisdom so openly and generously.
…believing in me when I don’t believe in myself.
…holding me steady when everything feels dark and discombobulating.
…challenging me to think differently and speak up about what I believe is important.
…inspiring me to dream big and create anew from the heart.
…encouraging me to be brave and chart my own path.
…teaching me the beauty and joy of nature, poetry and music.
I would not have arrived at where I am today without your love and support.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us, Bonnie. ❤️ I loved this piece! It has me reflecting on my own relationship with connection—something I would like to allow more of in 2024. One line that stood out to me is, "Connection is always here. There's no need to seek or chase it."
Sending you love and wishing you a wonderful year ahead!