Be Foolish and Leap into the Unknown, Again and Again
On trusting and allowing life to happen as it is meant to be
On the eve of the first anniversary of writing on Let’s Just Be, I picked up this half-written draft I started last July:
“As I am about to start a new job in a new sector, I ask myself: What is my intention for this new beginning?
Four words come to my mind: Stay hungry. Stay foolish. The closing remark of Steve Jobs’ famous commencement address at Stanford University in 2005.
When I was younger, I used to find this advice odd. I get the “stay hungry” part. Hungry for dreams. Hungry for better. Hungry for success. But “stay foolish”? How is lacking good sense or judgment going to enable achievements?
I have recently become curious about tarot cards, their history, and the different meanings in each of the cards, and also fallen in love with their many whimsical, enchanting designs. This is where I come across The Fool’s Journey, a metaphorical 22 stages of life, through which a person must experience to realise their truth and destiny.
Interestingly, The Fool card is numbered zero (0), instead of one (1). Intrigued by this little detail, knowing that ancient cultures always ensured and applied meanings in their practices and storytelling, I jumped down the Google rabbit hole.
In mathematics, the number 0 is an integer that separates the negative and positive numbers, as well as a placeholder to differentiate whole and decimal numbers. It also possesses the quantity of nothing. Any number multiplied by 0 results in 0, and any number divided by 0 is undefined. It gives value to everything and nothing at the same time.
In numerology, the number 0 embodies the quality of both nothingness and wholeness, as it appears to be both closed and wide open. It symbolises new beginnings, boundless potential, continuing cycles and flow, and eternity.
It is not a coincidence that The Fool starts at zero. that all humans come to this world with nothing – a blank canvas, pure, naive, and optimistic – and we go forth fearlessly in faith on this journey called life.”
Here's where my draft ends.
Reading these words, I can see The Fool in me.
Twenty-one months ago, I took the biggest leap thus far and left my 20-year pharmacy career without a vision or roadmap.
Unlike The Fool, I was not exactly hopeful or excited about the future back then. I was instead feeling exhausted, cynical and numb after working non-stop through the COVID-19 pandemic. Yet deep within there was a voice gently nudging me to step out of my comfort zone, let go of my mastery, and dismantle my identity. Everything that I had spent decades to build, polish and curate. The call to action was scary and tempting at the same time.
On one hand, my head thought I’d likely be hitting hard at rock bottom, crushing my bones and spirit into hundreds of thousands of pieces. On the other hand, my heart reassured me that I would come out on the other side not only unharmed but also happier, stronger and wiser.
After months of internal wrestling, I decided to listen to my heart for once, letting go of what I “should be” doing and allowing life to show me what I “could be” doing.
“My experience is that there is an energetic law to surrender: You get back all that you're willing to let go. It may take a different form, you may not get what you want, but you will be filled to the extent you are willing to release. You will touch life to the extent you allow yourself to be cracked open.” ~Cory Muscara
As soon as I leapt, my whole world shifted.
The following 13-month sabbatical felt like a NutriBullet blender. I was spun into the fluidity of life, mixing with many new people and unexpected experiences. Like making a smoothie, I finally learned that there are no set rules on how to do life. We are free to create whatever we imagine, play with different ingredients, and every now and then pause to give everything a taste; if we like it, enjoy the moment; if we don’t, we can always start over. Nothing is fixed and nothing is forever.
By the end of the sabbatical, I was feeling stoked about my achievements: managed to live a frugal, minimalist lifestyle; weaned off prescription medications for diabetes and anxiety; became a part of a purpose-driven community to shape the Next Economy; formed many new and deep friendships that I never thought would be possible; completed a handful of freelance projects; and manifested a job in a great company. Life was looking great and rosy. I thought I had finally made it to a place where I could thrive and smile.
Unbeknownst to me, life was about to send me off to another trial, plunging me into a freefall that I thought would never stop.
My father died unexpectedly in the same week as I started my new job in August. It was the most surreal, intense and tumultuous time of my life to date, as I reflected in October:
“I watched from afar everything that made me ‘Me’ shattered and vanished into thin air. Family. Home. Work. Connection. Identity. Purpose. Vision. I was thrust into this vast, eerie liminal space. Where grief swallowed my strength and confidence. Where everything felt distant and paradoxical. Where the old was gone and the new was yet to arrive. There was nothing I could do to stop the vortex of chaos, and nothing for me to hold onto and take refuge. The only thing I was able to do – in Alan Watts’s words – to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.”
Reading these words again six months later makes me realise all my past experiences served to prepare me for this ultimate quest – what I went on this journey for; where my identity, ego and narrative dissolved; and when I started to integrate all the incongruous parts of myself and finally return to my truth. It is in the darkest moment of great loss that the light shines and the path to transformation emerges.
“We're in a freefall into future. We don't know where we're going. Things are changing so fast, and always when you're going through a long tunnel, anxiety comes along. And all you have to do to transform your hell into a paradise is to turn your fall into a voluntary act. It's a very interesting shift of perspective and that's all it is... joyful participation in the sorrows and everything changes.” ~ Joseph Campbell
Today on April Fool’s Day I find myself once again standing at the threshold, getting ready for another leap.
For the second time in two years, I left my job without another one lined up, not knowing what I would do next professionally (again). This is not what I thought my new beginning would look like eight months ago – that I would walk away from the job I worked so hard to manifest in such a short time. However, I feel different this time around –
…less upset with things that did not work out and more grateful for things that happened.
…less anxious about the future and more grounded in the present.
…less fearful of making mistakes and more curious to learn from experience.
…less need to be in control and more desire to play and experiment.
…less worried about what others may think and more trusting in my gut instinct and intuition.
…less calculating the pros and cons of everything and more allowing life to flow and dance at its own pace.
…less holding back by “what I should do” and more leaning in with “what I want to do”.
Someone asked me recently, “What is your definition of success? How do you know when you get there?”
When I walked away from my job in 2022, I subconsciously still held onto the conventional idea of success: getting a clean bill of health; having the perfect work-life balance; becoming a top performer in any industry; being recognised for my impact widely across the country; making my family proud of my achievements; earning a six-figure income; and enjoying finer things in life.
Today I have a different view.
Alan Watts once said, “The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.” And he was right.
To me, being alive and able to experience this human life is already a success. As I continue on my journey, this is how I know I have achieved success –
…that I live in my ikigai, giving the world what it needs through doing the work I love and sharing my gifts.
…that I look after and care for myself as much as I do for others (as a wise teacher once said, “Never traumatise yourself to be of service to others.”)
…that I honour and show up fully in my humanness – the multidimensional complexity, the seasonal ebbs and flows, the perfectly imperfect mess, and the beautiful raw edges.
…that I know the right time to walk away from something that is not mine (even after investing a lot of time and effort) and start charting a new path.
…that I stay foolish and see everything as though it is for the first time with a beginner’s mind.
Maybe The Fool’s Journey is not so foolish after all. Every day we do our best to keep going, one step at a time, through the uncertainty and unknown. This is what life is about.
'Everything that made me me shattered'. it's this.
Who am I now?
This is everything. I love it. 💖💖💖