Be Brave and Show up to Work in Tears.

On what I have learned from crying a lot this year.

Photo by Mayank Dhanawade on Unsplash

“Life is like an onion; you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.” ~Carl Sandburg

If someone told me last year that I would cry a lot in my new job, I would probably chuckle, “Don’t be silly. I’ll be fine.”

Fast forward a year later, I have lost count of how many times I have cried – at home, at work, and in public places – alone or in front of people I know and don’t know. I cry to grieve the loss of my father. I cry to let go of the old life that no longer aligns. I cry out of exhaustion in the midst of never-ending chaos. I don’t care about what others think of my puffy eyes and runny nose. As if a floodgate had succumbed, releasing decades of tears, washing away wounds and pain that I did not even know existed within.

I used to believe being strong meant swallowing my tears in difficult situations. I used to feel secretly proud when people said they found me stoic and “hard to read”. I used to think crying would make me look irrational and incompetent and so I covered up my “real self” at work.

To me, crying meant losing control and it was always associated with something bad or undesirable.

These core beliefs ruled my mind for a long time. I believed them wholeheartedly that they were the right way to be. What I did not realise was these beliefs were not my truth and instead shaped by people, culture and society. My observation and experience as a child taught me that crying was unacceptable in any setting, made others feel uncomfortable, embarrassed or annoyed, and did not bring any relief or resolve.

Often, we think that life would be so much easier and simpler without the interference of tears and other difficult emotions – and it is not.

Looking around, people seem to become more agitated, frustrated, or impatient. Cars are going faster, tailgating, and cutting off each other. Wars, conflicts and discords are escalating in every corner of the world. So much pain, despair and hurt.

What we are seeing in the external world says a lot about the state of our internal human experience as an individual and as a collective. Because perception is projection. Many of us are constantly at war within ourselves – repressing our emotions, doubting our intuition, shunting our authenticity – and yet deep down all we really want is to be seen, valued and loved.

Photo by Edge2Edge Media on Unsplash

British psychiatrist Henry Maudsley once said, “The sorrows which find no vent in tears may make other organs weep”. Any emotion that is suppressed or bypassed either gets projected outward or gets buried in our cells, tissues and bones – and if it goes on for long enough, we will end up hurting ourselves and others or becoming physically ill.

Like other body fluids (sweat, mucus, urine, etc.), our tears are designed to keep us alive, well and balanced. Basal tears serve as a lubricant to protect our eyes from infection, reflex tears help remove irritants or debris from our eyes, and lastly, emotional tears flush out stress hormones and toxins in response to our emotions.

When we cry, our body releases oxytocin and endorphins – the same feel-good hormones we get from physical touch, exercise, play and being in nature – relieving stress and helping us relax.

I have noticed that, when I finally allow myself to cry freely, a sense of catharsis, spaciousness and renewal starts to emerge. Everything seems to become lighter, clearer and easier all of a sudden. It enables me tap into the innate goodness and intelligence already existed within.

My tears are like the fairy godmother, guiding me to venture deeper into my heart with curiosity and compassion: What has brought me to tears? What am I really crying for? What emotion/s am I experiencing? Was it joy, sadness, anger, fear, disappointment, or a mix bag? What is it that I care about so much?

Also, no one seems to think less of me because I cry. My tears seem to be this incredible catalyst for deeper connection. My relationships with my family, friends and colleagues have only become stronger and richer when I start to connect with and show up in my flawed humanness.

Crying is not as bad as I (and other people) have made out to be.

I love what Charles Dickens wrote in Great Expectations: “Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before – more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.”

It is now more important than ever to bring more tenderness, more genuineness, more release back into our lives. Maybe crying a good cry holds the key to restoring a good life and a good society for all beings on this planet, along with other important things like art, nature, community and service.

(Sharing my favourite poem for this month – may we all find strength in surrender and comfort in allowing ourselves to simply be 🖤)

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.